what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
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4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Guilty! 🤪
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns