What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
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When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
the noise i just made
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it