what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
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[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Bro what is this
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic