What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
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If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Finally!
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
I’ve been learning to cook.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
The Sun
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
me hooking up with my ex
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*