What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
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[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
mmm onion ringos
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)