“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
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I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
This has made my week.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
This is I, Robot all over again
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
fly smarter, not harder
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.