What in the hell is “disposable income”?
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Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
at ease…shoulder.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
my favorite genre of twitter
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school