What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
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[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
This is hilarious….
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
A game married people play.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?