What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
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Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Has there ever been a more American story?
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.