What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
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Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
they should invent a hydrating liquor
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag