Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

[doorbell]

“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you

If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.

Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking

Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.