What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
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[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Dolls on drugs
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.