what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
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why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
12. I think about this all the damn time
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.