What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
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when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Haha! 😂
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh