What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
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Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I feel seen.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.