What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?
One is against the law, the other is a sick bird
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65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
eggs benadryl
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
me: omg goth bath bombs
santa: that’s charcoal
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.