Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.

ARRESTING OFFICER: No.

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

Not today

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.

It’s called “Camera”.

I needed a laugh this morning.