what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
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Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
so this horse walks into a bar
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch