i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
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Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.
I thought you were going to take my taco.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.