What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
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-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
This makes total sense…
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
North and South
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…