@walks_on_legs

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

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@RealPrincessKim

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

@trevso_electric

A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)

@Havish_AF

When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?

@EZ_G

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

@ilovecuredmeats

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

@EndhooS

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

@PaperWash

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.