What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
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Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
This is Sparta
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach