What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
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Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?