what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
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technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in