what it’s like dating me:
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If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.