What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
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I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
cat faces on other animals, a thread
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
I love the honesty
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Feels like the fourth month in January
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.