Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

her: can you pick up the house

me: *putting on back brace* I can try

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!

*extends arm for handshake*

Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you

Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind

Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU

Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.