“What?”
– Jude
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You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
This squirrel eats better than I do
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here