What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
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I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
The best plant holders?
BETRAYAL
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Guilty! 🤪
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*