What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
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my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
can you read it!!??
maan!
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
getting corrected
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”