What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉

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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.


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There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.


I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.


My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.


My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL


Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.