What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
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33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
when there are deer in the woods
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”