What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
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If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]