What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
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Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.