What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
You Might Also Like
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles