What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
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FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
every college guy’s fridge
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
#Caturday
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear