What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
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OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle