“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
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I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy