What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
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This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.