@GingaSnapppa

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

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@Quartzjixler

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

@daemonic3

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

@NotGoodEthan

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

@Social_Mime

I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.

@Kyle_Lippert

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

@weinerdog4life

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

@GianDoh

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.