What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

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Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?


[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.


Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*


I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.


If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.


Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.


All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.