what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
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Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.