what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
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Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”