what my late-night hot pocket sees
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Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
what’s really going on
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.