What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
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I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar