What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
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me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Buck naked
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.