What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
You Might Also Like
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off