@RdrJay47

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

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@bossy_bootz

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

@iriskessler

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

@stevevsninjas

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

@bonehugsnirony

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

@sallyelegant

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

@Daniel_Sloss

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

@paul_lander

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

@MatCro

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or