What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
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We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Challenge accepted.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.