No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
What personal space?
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If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.