What personal space?
My dog
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I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there