@envydatropic
@tassletie No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
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@tassletie 
@stanleybehrman If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
@abbycohenwl Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
@OhNoSheTwitnt “I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
@2tickytacky Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
@OhNoSheTwitnt If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
@jon_snow_420 it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
@Cpin42 When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
@Prero22 “I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.