@envydatropic

What personal space?

My dog

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@tassletie

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

@stanleybehrman

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

@abbycohenwl

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.

@2tickytacky

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.

@

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

@jon_snow_420

it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking

@Cpin42

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

@Prero22

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.