What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
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[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I’m Sold!
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods