What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
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Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds