“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
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Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.