“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
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Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.